Kaimoana Tales Lachlan & Gary, 57

“Hello, Fat Boy. Break any scales today?”

“Not yet. How’re you, you Unemployed Bum? Got a job yet?”

“Nope. Still haven’t found one that’s good enough.”

“Good enough for you? Thought of shoveling shit at the racecourse?”

“Why? Been crapping in the stables, have you?”

“No, but if you were working there, I’d shit on your shovel.”

“Eww. You’re disgusting, you know that?”

“I try. How’s it going, Gary? How’s your day been?”

“Not bad; I’ve had worse. How was your day? Learn anything in school?”

“Yeah, heaps. You should try it sometime.”

“And turn out like you? No thanks.”

“We can’t all be brilliant. They’ve got a Special Needs class, for the retards. You’d fit in well there.”

“How come you’re not in it then? Oh, I know, their seats are too small for wide loads.”

“Will you two cut it out? Honestly! You’re worse than Mac and Joyce!”

“Yes Sir, Mr. Cain, Sir!”

“Damm, Lachlan, anyone would think that you two couldn’t stand each other.”

“He loves me really,” Gary grinned. “Trouble is, I’m just not into Fat Boys.”

“Well I wouldn’t want a boyfriend who’s too lazy to get his butt out of bed in the mornings.”

“Stop it! Stop it right now!” Virgil demanded. “Lachlan is not fat. Once, maybe, but not now, and Gary doesn’t have to get a job if he doesn’t want to. If I was in his position, I wouldn’t be in any hurry either.”

“His position? His usual position is with his head up his butt.”

“As long as it’s not up yours. I could get lost in there.”

“You wish.”

“You think? Scatology is not my thing.”

“Oooo! Big words. I bet you’ve been waiting all day for a chance to use that one.”

“Not really. At least I know some words. Your biggest word is ‘wheelbarrow’, innit?”

“Wheelbarow-innit? I don’t know that one.”

“Shut up, Lachie! Do you guys want to come down-town for a drink? The Craypot is doing thickshakes now.”

Virgil shook his head. “No thanks, Gary. I’m going home. Gran’s due back today and I want to see her.”

“You want to see what she’s brought you, you mean. How about you, Lachie?”

“Yeah, okay, Gazza. I’ll come so that you don’t look like a sad git with no mates. I’m not having a fatshake though, I’ll have a coffee and thanks.”

“Yeah, okay. Wouldn’t want to see you fall off the wagon – you’d break the road!”

They parted at the corner. Gary and Lachlan went down to the main street, Virgil carried on up the hill to home.

Those two were something else. They were both gay and single, you’d think that they’d at least try to get along. But, no, they seemed to spend all their time trying to gross each other out. They did spend a lot of time together though. Gary was usually waiting outside the school everyday, and it wasn’t Virgil he was waiting for.

Also, Gary seemed to spend a lot of time in the Craypot Café. If he wanted a job, he should get one there, he must know how the place worked by now. Maybe he was into redheads? The twins, Colin and Jacob, were redheads and they lived at the Craypot – well, up the back of it.

No, he was out of luck there if he was. Colin was into the girls and Jacob only had eyes for Riley. They were a pair of lovebirds if ever he saw one.

There was another pair, walking up the hill ahead of him, Dylan James and his cousin, William. Virgil suspected that they might be a couple, but he wasn’t sure, William was only year 9 and Dylan was a senior.

They were both good-looking kids, especially William, he was stunning! But, he was only half the size of Dylan – he towered over him. They were always together when out of school, you never saw one without the other, especially since William had lost his other mate.

Damian Woods had flipped his lid and hung himself. Poor little bugger. Silly little bugger.

That had knocked the hell out of his big brother too. Ashton Woods was like a whole different person now and all the ‘beautiful people’ stayed well away from him. Virgil didn’t know what to think of that.

Ah well, they were all interesting, but he wasn’t interested. He had the best boyfriend in town. Joel was the greatest and he was all his. How cool was that? Very cool!

He went home.

“Hey, Betty. How’re you on this lovely day in paradise?” Gary sauntered in to the Craypot Cafe like he owned the place.

“Hello, Gary. I’m fine, how are you?”

“I’m good. I’m extra good. I’ll have a thickshake please, lime flavour, and an extra low-fat coffee for the boy here.”

“Who are you calling a boy? I’m just as old as you are.”

“Some of us grow up faster though.”

“You reckon? I hadn’t noticed.”

“Shut up, Lachie. Find yourself a seat – one that’s not going to break.”

“I’ll break one over your head! We’ll sit outside then.” Lachlan headed back out of the door.

“Gary, Honey, get your own drinks, would you? I’m busy here.”

“Sure. Where are Dianne and the boys?”

“Dianne’s gone fishing. I don’t know where the boys are, they’re not back from school yet. It’s about time that they were.”

“They’ll show. They don’t go far. Well, Riley and Jacob don’t, Colin could be anywhere. He’s got a new girlfriend, you know.”

“I know – Missy Waipouri! The boy must have a death-wish.”

“Come on, Betty. Missy’s not that bad. She’s all talk really.”

“If you say so. Help yourself, Gary, I’ll be out the back.”

Gary got the drinks, rang-up the sales and paid with plastic. He took them out to the front and put them on the table in front of Lachlan.

“Thanks.”

“Welcome, Fat Boy. Don’t know how you can drink coffee like that – no milk, cream or sugar. It’s foul.”

“No? Well you just suck on your fat and sugar. What are you doing?”

Gary straightened up from looking under the table.

“Just checking. We wouldn’t want you to go through Dianne’s deck.”

“I’ll put your bloody head through it! Sit down and shut up, Gary.”

“Who said you could wear the king’s hat?”

“I did.”

“Oh, okay. Yes, Boss.”

Gary sat down and they grinned at each other across the table.

“Fatty.”

“Lay-about.”

“Jealous.”

“Of you? Get real. What’s going on over there?”

“Over where?”

“Over the road, in Mrs. Woods’ Tasteful Souvenirs shop? The windows are all covered in white paper.”

“Well I don’t know. Here’s Riley and Jacob, why don’t you ask them?”

“I will. Hey, guys. How’s it going?”

“Going good, Lachlan.” Riley and his mate came in from the street. “I see you’ve got your favourite sparring partner with you.”

“Yeah, well. I feel sorry for him sometimes. He’s got no mates you know.”

“Shut it, McLaughlin. I’ve got mates – better ones than you too.”

“Fantasy Friends don’t count. Riley, what’s Mrs. Woods up to? She planning a ‘tasteful exhibition’ or something?”

“No, not that. We do know, but I don’t think we should tell you. You’ll have to wait and see.”

Jacob said, “Don’t be such a wet blanket, Rye. Everybody loves gossip, and that’s a juicy one. She’s shutting down, Lachlan. Dianne made her.”

“She what? Dianne made Mrs. Woods shut her shop? How did she? Why did she?”

“Mum did not make her shut her shop down. Well, not intentionally, it was their choice.”

“But why did they choose to?” Gary was very interested now. “There’s definitely some juicy gossip here. Spill it, Riley!”

“Yeah. Come on, Rye. You know you’re dying to tell them.”

“Well,” Riley grinned as he pulled out a chair and sat down. “It seems that a certain family is nowhere as rich as they like to make out they are. They’ve been cutting corners and indulging in illegal activities.”

“Like what?”

“Like, dealing in black-market booze, and other junk like ‘P’, from their liquor store. Like falsifying the records of hours worked by farm machinery they’re selling, and winding-back the meters on second-hand cars. Like building and operating unauthorized motel units – definitely not a good look for people who are on the council.

Even worse, their 3 storey mansion, up on the hill, is all flash and no substance. It was built on the cheap and it’s not up to earthquake standards. They paid a council inspector to sign it off when it should’ve been demolished.

The list goes on and on and that’s all without even looking at the way they’ve been treating their kids. They owe a fortune in back taxes too, they couldn’t afford to have the IRD looking to closely at their accounts.”

“Whoah! And Dianne found all this? Why would she even look at their business?”

“My Mum’s a lovely lady, but you really don’t want to get on the wrong side of her. We asked her if she could do anything for Ashton, and she’s having a ball! Anyway, Mr. and Mrs. Woods are sorting their shit out and they’re having to make economies. The shop’s losing money, so it’s shutting down.”

“They’re making changes then?”

“Bigtime! Ashton and his sister have moved out of the horrible boxes they were sleeping in and they’re in the fancy guest-rooms now. Plus, any work they do from now on will be paid at the rate that Dianne negotiated for them. They’re even getting back-pay.”

“She’s getting stuck into them.”

“She is,” Jacob grinned. “Ashton’s Beamer is really his now. They had to pay for it and give it to him legally. It’s in his name now and he can do what he likes with it.”

“Amazing,” Gary said. “Thanks, Guys. Finish your drink, Lachie. We’ve got shopping to do.”

“Shopping? What shopping?”

“We’re going to buy a big bunch of flowers for Dianne.”

“Okay, but why?”

“To say thanks for what she’s doing.”

Riley said, “Gary? Mrs. de Groot has already done that. She arrived around with a huge bunch of flowers from her garden. Mum cried.”

“Well, we might make her cry some more. I want to say thanks and also make sure that we’re on her side. Call it insurance.”

“You don’t have to do that. Mum knows that we’re friends.”

“Doesn’t hurt to be doubly sure. Anyway, I want to. Dianne’s great. When I need a lawyer, I want it to be her.

Whoah! Tottie alert! Look what’s coming down the street.”