Westpoint Tales - The Last Time 1.

(Finally! (Hey Joah) We're back! - for a short while)

(Westpoint AD2020)

“Marty, I’m gay.”

“No shit. What else is new?”

“What? Is that it? Aren’t you going to say something?”

“What do you want? Don’t think I’m going to kiss you, ‘cause I’m not – no way!”

“Why not? Aren’t you lusting for my luscious lips?”

“Get off! I’d say ‘kiss my arse’, but I’d better not – you might.”

“That smelly thing? I don’t think so.”

“I don’t think so too. I’m not kissing you either, so forget it.”

“Wasn’t even thinking about it. What would you want to kiss my butt for?”

“I don’t. Not now, not ever. Forget it.”

“Right. Why aren’t you surprised that I’m gay? I’ve never told you before.”

“Yeah, you have. You’ve told me that a hundred times.”

“Whatta you mean? I have not. When have I ever told you that?”

“A hundred times, at least, maybe more.”

“When then?”

“Like every time we were in the bath together and you get a ‘stiffy’. You always did, ever since we were little kids.”

“And that means I’m gay, does it? Well, you always got boners too. Junior never did, but you always did, just like I did.”

“Yeah, just like you did.”

“Oh shit! Does that mean that you’re gay too?”

“Well, duh!”

“Damm! I never knew. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Pretty obvious, I thought. No big deal anyway.”

“It is a big deal. And, obvious? I’m not a friggin’ mind-reader you know.”

“That’s obvious too.”

“Yeah? Well, fuck you!”

“Fuck me? No, I don’t think so.”

“You must have figured that I wasn’t getting the message. Why didn’t you say something?”

“I just did.”

“About time too. If you can’t tell me, who are you going to tell?”

“I dunno. Mum and Dad, I suppose, or the uncles, or Gran. Anyone but you really.”

“Oh nice! Anyone but me? Why not then? Scared of me, are you?”

“Scared of you? Get real. When have I ever been scared of you? More like the other way around.”

“You think I’m scared of you? Fuck off. You’re about as scary as Carmel’s new kitten.”

“Well, you’re about as scary as Carmel.”

“As Carmel? Newsflash, Andy – our baby sister is not scary at all.”

“She is when she shits herself.”

“Well, okay, maybe then – but only if Mum or Gran or someone is not around to clean her up.”

“Or Dad. He does it sometimes.”

“Only when he can’t get out of it. Dad says that changing your diapers was enough to put him off for life. You were a shocker – a major stinker. Still are really.”

“Like yours doesn’t stink?”

“You’ll never know.”

“Bloody hope not.”

“Yeah, me too. Andy?”

“Yeah, what, Stinkbutt?”

“I love you, Andy.”

“Sure you do. Funny way of showing it sometimes.”

“Well, sometimes you make it hard.”

“Ewww! Pervert.”

“Fuck up, Dickwad. Not my dick. You make it hard to love you sometimes.”

“And so do you.”

“Do you love me, Andy?”

“Of course I bloody love you. You’re my brother, aren’t you?”

“Not my fault.”

“Not mine either, but, yeah, I do love you – sometimes.”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“After you, Brother. You shut the fuck up and I will.”

“Deal.”

“Deal.”

The identical twin brothers lay on their identical twin beds, looking up at the ceiling of their room.

They could easily have had separate rooms, and they would have preferred it too, but they were stuck in there together. It wasn’t like there weren’t enough rooms; they lived in ‘the Beachhouse’, which used to be a hotel, for goodness sake.

But, the parents made them share a room, they always had. The idea was to make them learn to get along together – wasn’t working though. Well, not much.

Andy glanced across at his brother and grinned when he saw him looking back at him. “So, have you got a boyfriend?”

“No. Have you?”

“Not yet, but I’m getting me one.”

“Me too! Who have you got your eye on then?”

“None of your business. I’m not sharing my love-life with you.”

“Fair enough. I’m not sharing mine with you either. But we should at least know who we’re going after.”

“Why? I’m not sharing anything with you.”

“That’s the whole point. I don’t want to share boyfriends with you. What if we’ve both got an eye on the same guy? That’d be just – messy.”

“For once, you’re right. Eww.”

“I’m always right and I’m not wrong now. We need to at least compare notes so that we don’t get involved with the wrong people.”

“We do. So, you first – who do you like?”

“Don’t know. There’s no-one special. What about you? Not Jeremy, I hope.”

“Cousin Jeremy? Not bloody likely! I hope you’re not either.”

“Get with Jeremy? No way! That’d be a sure way of getting turfed out of the family. His fathers would have canaries; they’d never handle that.”

“I don’t see why. After all, they’re gay themselves.”

“You think? Does that mean that they haven’t been sharing a bed for the last fifteen years just to save space?”

“Shut the fuck up, Marty! You can be such a smart-arse sometimes. Of course Justin and Billy are an old married couple; everyone knows that. Why do you think that they couldn’t handle their boy being gay?’

“Because they couldn’t. Jeremy’s their only chance of ever having grandchildren, isn’t he? That won’t be an issue with Dad; he’s got plenty of other kids - three more with Mum and four with Lana.”

“Oh, so that’s why all those kids keep hanging around here?”

“Shut up, Andy. Jeremy’s not gay anyway, I tried copping a feel once and he told me. “

“That he’d punch your lights out if you ever tried that again. I know, he told me the same thing when I did it.”

“So you’ve been groping our cousin?”

“Yeah, once – the same as you. Nothing wrong with feeling up cousins, it’s not like we’re going to have babies or anything. Joe didn’t mind when I tried it with him.”

“Joe? Joe Storer? Shit, Andy, Granddad Storer would kill you if you got it on with Joe.”

“He probably would. Funny, isn’t it? Granddad’s so bloody homophobic and he’s got at least two gay grandsons, maybe three.”

“Yeah.! Serves him right, the old sod.”

For once in their lives, they were in total agreement and they lay there smiling smugly. The twins’ maternal grandfather was a notorious old bigot. The irony was quite sweet really.

Finally, Andy broke the silence. “So, shall we see if we’re allowed out of here yet?”

“Sure. But let’s ask Dad, not Mum. He’s a much softer touch than she is.”

“You think they’ll be okay with us being gay?”

“Yes, of course they will. They’ve had lots of practice with the uncles and all.”

“Yeah. But let’s not tell them just yet, when we’ve got partners will be soon enough.”